Shakespeare's Voyager
by Niam Ryat
Summary: Chakotay in tights and the Great Borg.
1. Chapter 1

* DISCLAIMER * Blah blah blah. All of the characters belong to Paramount Pictures, except for Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light who is from Dilbert and belongs (we think) to United Media and/or Scott Adams.  
  
* AUTHOR'S NOTE * This is the weirdest thing I've ever written – the Shakespeare stuff is mine, and then my brother came in the room – and we took it from there. As you can see, it's very random.  
  
This story is by Alisanne and Eith.  
  
  
  
The captain knew something was wrong the moment she walked onto the bridge. It might not have been noticeable to someone that didn't know her crew as well as she did. Someone that didn't belong to Starfleet or the Federation might not have thought anything was wrong – the Kazon wore strange enough things on their ships. But Kathryn Janeway ran a Starfleet ship, and on Starfleet ships the bridge officers did not wear Shakespearean clothing while on duty.  
  
But everything seemed to be functioning normally; the engines were humming, the stars rushed past on the viewscreen. However odd it might have been, Janeway wasn't about to comment on it until it started interfering with the ships processes. She sat in her chair for a while. This is unusual, she thought, most the time we are busy fighting an alien race, or making a first contact, or being invaded by evil beings who are taking over our minds. I feel like Captain Picard, just sitting in my chair not doing anything. And of course the Shakespeare costumes add to the effect. He always had some weird looking people around.  
  
Finally, when she was almost bored to tears, the captain decided to ask her first officer, Chakotay, for a report. She found it hard to overlook the costume though, especially on him… Janeway could see why it was popular for men to wear tights for such a long time. Chakotay really had nice legs, she noted. A doublet with gold embroidery and a feathered cap donned at a rakish angle completed the picture of a perfect Romeo. Shaking her head to clear it of such un-Starfleet thoughts, she spoke. "Report, Commander."  
  
Chakotay turned to her, his eyes playful. "Methinks, Kathryn, that thou hast kept quiet too long. The sound of your voice rejuvenates me as no other ever could. It is the song of a nightingale at dawn, as clear as a running brook. Speak again, bright angel, that I may bask in your light forever."  
  
"Umm…that's fine, Chakotay." Nervously patting his outstretched hand, Janeway turned to face front. I think I should call the Doctor, she thought, Chakotay is a little odd sometimes, but this is a bit over the top. I'll ask Tuvok what's going on. He'll give me a straight answer, not like the bozo next to me. In a quick movement Captain Janeway slid out of her chair and up the few steps to the upper portion of the bridge. She walked to stand next to Tuvok, her Chief of Security, at the tactical conn.  
  
Tuvok was arrayed in a similar fashion to Chakotay. He wore tights, one leg orange and the other yellow. His doublet was bright crimson, with yellow fringes hanging off the shoulders.  
  
"Tuvok," she whispered, "what's going on here?"  
  
"Tra nam-tor weht vellar svi'zae heh Terra, Khart-lan, do nam-tor run-tor t'svi'ven-dol-tar."  
  
Oh my god, thought Janeway, It must have gotten to Tuvok too! And I don't speak THAT much Vulcan… wait, the Universal Translator… "Computer, translate Lieutenant Commander Tuvok's last comment into Starfleet Standard.  
  
*BEEP* "Closest translation: 'There are more things in heaven and earth, Captain, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.'"  
  
That's really familiar… "Computer, identify quote."  
  
*BEEP* "No exact matches found. Closest match: Terran playwright William Shakespeare's play Hamlet. First published approximately 1599. Quote is from Act 1, Scene 5, Hamlet to Horatio.  
  
What…the heck…Janeway felt as if she was rapidly losing control of an odd situation.  
  
"Captain, art thou well?" Inquired Harry Kim. Janeway whirled around – yes, Harry too was decked out in a tunic and leggings, though his were less ornate than Tuvok or Chakotay's.  
  
"I…I'm fine…" stammered Janeway. What's wrong with me! She berated herself, I don't stammer, especially not when answering Ensigns! "I just…have something important to take care of in Sickbay. Chakotay, you have…" She broke off. Could she trust this altered Chakotay with the bridge?  
  
"Yes, dear lady?" Swooned Chakotay lovingly.  
  
"You have the bridge!" I have to get out of here! Thought Janeway with rising panic. Maybe it's me, not them! Maybe I'm crazy… 


	2. Chapter 2

--- A Few Minutes Later in Sickbay ---  
  
"Doctor…I need a mental scan, immediately."  
  
"Why? What's wrong, Captain?"  
  
Thank heavens, he's normal! Janeway thought in relief. "I was just on the bridge. Everyone was…dressed in old-fashioned clothes, and when they spoke…they sounded as if they were out of a play by Shakespeare! Tuvok even started quoting the play Hamlet…in Vulcan! I think there must be something horribly wrong with me."  
  
"Well, you seem to be in full possession of your mental capacities…wait." The Doctor turned around, a sly smile creeping onto his face. "Captain…do you know the date?"  
  
"It's Stardate 163246.57. Why?"  
  
"Because that converts to April 1st, in the old Terran calendar. It used to be a day where people played tricks on each other, and came to be known as 'April Fool's Day.'"  
  
"Are you suggesting…"  
  
"I think you've been had, Captain. Chakotay must have wanted to surprise you and organized the crew. Obviously he didn't see fit to tell ME about it…" The Doc turned away, disgruntled.  
  
Janeway hopped off the biobed she had been sitting on. "The thing I don't understand is how he got Tuvok to join in…I wouldn't have thought he would do something like that. Unless…"  
  
Janeway tapped her commbadge. "Janeway to Tuvok. Tuvok, where are you?"  
  
^ I am in my quarters, Captain, my shift doesn't start until 1000 hours. Do you need me for something? ^  
  
"No…that'll be quite all, Tuvok. I'm sorry to have disturbed you." Janeway said slowly. "But if that wasn't Tuvok…" Suddenly she noticed that the Doctor was very pointedly studying his PADD. "Doctor…"  
  
"Yes, Captain?" He said innocently.  
  
"Where were you 15 minutes ago?"  
  
"I was right here, doing my job."  
  
"Computer – state the location of the EMH at 0815 hours."  
  
*BEEP* "At 0815 hours the EMH was on the bridge."  
  
"Exactly where on the bridge?"  
  
*BEEP* "The EMH was at the tactical conn."  
  
"I…thought…so…"  
  
"Computer, modify EMH to program EMH8926." Suddenly the Doctor disappeared, and in his place stood Tuvok, dressed in the Elizabethan style the Captain had seen on the bridge. He grinned. "All's well that ends well, Captain!"  
  
Captain Kathryn Janeway groaned, then headed back up to the bridge – hopefully it would be normal this time. 


	3. Chapter 3

--- Shortly After, On The Bridge of Voyager ---  
  
Janeway stepped onto the bridge and immediately noticed the change. The atmosphere was no longer Elizabethan – it was distinctly Borg. A eerie green glow emanated from the walls and ceiling. The temperature was sky- high, and the humidity was unbearable. Oh, very funny, thought Janeway, they just won't stop, will they?  
  
In the First Officer's chair sat a drone with a feather sticking out of his head that looked remarkably like the one Chakotay had been wearing on his hat. Janeway marched up to him. He turned slowly towards her and said in a ringing voice. "We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Your biological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile."  
  
"Ha ha, very funny, Chakotay. I figured out your little game. April Fool's Day…you certainly did your research! But the joke's over, we need to get back to work."  
  
Abruptly, Chakotay's hand shot forward and assimilation tubes pierced Janeway's neck. She gasped in horror. This wasn't a joke – it was real! Just before she lost consciousness, she saw a Borg Cube on the viewscreen. 


	4. Chapter 4

--- Later That Day On The Borg Cube ---  
  
1 This wasn't at all what I expected, thought Janeway as she sipped a Tequila and wiggled her bionetic hips to the disco beat. I really ought to join Chakotay. The First Officer was dancing in the middle of a group of drones. She scanned the room, searching for other crew members. Yes – they were all there. Harry Kim was chatting with an attractive drone. Neelix was involved in a game of pool with the Borg Queen. Tom and B'Elanna were seated along with Tuvok, Seven of Nine, and Naomi Wildman in a big circle. A warp coil sat in the middle of the circle. That looks interesting, thought the Captain, I guess I'll go join them.  
  
She walked over to the group and sat down in the circle. "Hey guys, 'sup?" She asked.  
  
"We're playing 'Spin the Warp Coil'!" Said Naomi enthusiastically.  
  
"Wicked – how do you play?" Queried Janeway.  
  
"Captain, I can demonstrate," said Tuvok sultrily. He spun the warp coil, which ended up in front of Seven of Nine. "You see," he explained seriously as he leaned across the circle to Seven, "One first places the lips against the lips of the other. Then one…" He smooched her graphically.  
  
All of a sudden, Seven slapped Tuvok across the face. "That's not very efficient, Loverboy," she said, licking her lips, "Why don't you let me show you how it's done." She pulled him up, and they disappeared behind a door. In a few seconds, the walls started shaking.  
  
"Wow! Can I play too?" The Captain enthused. 


	5. Chapter 5

--- Several Months Later – December 24th, to be exact, On The Cube ---  
  
'Twas the night before Assimilation Day,  
  
And all through the Cube,  
  
Not a creature was stirring,  
  
Not even the bionetic implants.  
  
The martini glasses were set by the shuttlebay with care,  
  
In hopes that the Great Borg soon would be there.  
  
The drones were nestled all snug in their alcoves,  
  
While visions of screaming, innocent people danced in their heads.  
  
And the Borg Queen in her bodysuit, and Janeway in her bionetic hardware;  
  
Had just settled down for an efficiently timed regeneration cycle.  
  
When out in the docking bay there arose such a clatter,  
  
Janeway disengaged from her alcove to see what was the matter.  
  
Away to the shuttlebay she marched with conviction,  
  
waited for the automatic door to open and walked through (this isn't fiction).  
  
The starlight on the metal of the new-polished floor,  
  
Brightened the room as if it was a disco.  
  
When, what to her wondering visual sensors should appear,  
  
But a tiny Type 1 shuttle, pulled by eight assimilated reindeer!  
  
With a little old pilot so lively and quick,  
  
She knew in a moment it couldn't be the Great Borg.  
  
"What are you doing here? Where's the Great Borg?" Janeway shouted at the man.  
  
"Don't hurt me! The Great Borg is sick, and I'm the replacement."  
  
"Impostor! You're gonna be assimilated, you are!" said Janeway, pointing her finger at him.  
  
"No, no, it's true, he's really quite sick!"  
  
But Janeway wouldn't listen, she assimilated Saint Nick. 


	6. Chapter 6

--- The Next Morning, Under The Warp Core ---  
  
Harry Kim, Borg, walked through the corridor, giddy with glee. He had received everything he wanted from the Great Borg's imposter. Teddy bear pajamas, which he had put on immediately. The entire deck of that year's Parrises Squares trading cards. Even an toy phaser. Harry Kim was soooooo happy. Suddenly Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light, Ruler of Heck, Punisher of Minor Sins, jumped out of a corridor. Harry shrieked. "Help, help, it's Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light! Don't darn me, please!"  
  
"I don't want to darn you – I want your soul!"  
  
Harry tilted his head and bit his lip. "Yeaaah…but, like, what do I get out of it?"  
  
"I will restore you and your crewmates to humanity and life on Voyager!"  
  
"Voyager?" Harry grimaced. "But Voyager's, like, totally BORING, you know? There's always a party going on here, and we get more people every day!"  
  
"Then I will darn you to Heck!" Screamed Phil in total shock.  
  
"Awww….all right then. If I have to. But I'm warning you, Captain Janeway won't like this. She's become really attatched to that Borg Queen."  
  
Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light, pointed his spoon – not as scary as a pitchfork (until you read what's coming up!) – at Harry. Quickly, he knocked the top of Harry's head off and scooped out his soul. "There, that should do it." He said, satisfied.  
  
"But I thought you were going to, like, send me back to Voyager!"  
  
"Oh, you don't need ME to do that. You always had the power. You just didn't know it yet. Just click your heels together three times and repeat with me."  
  
Phil waved his spoon in front of Harry's face and said, "There's no place like Voyager, there's no place like Voyager, there's no place like Voyager."  
  
Immediately, all the crew appeared back on Voyager with no cybernetic implants – or memory of what had happened. 


End file.
